The Festival Ladies

Splendour in the Grass

Poleski takes on the mud puddles of Byron Bay… solo.

So I don’t know if you’ve heard… it may have popped up on your radar… just… but Splendour In The Grass was on the other week and it was awesome. amazing. fantastical. And I’ll go as far as saying… SPLENDID. Yes, I know. You don’t care. You don’t want to hear about it anymore. It was 2 music festivals, and 4 modular nights ago anyway. Nobody cares. Well my apologies in prolonging your frustration, but I missed my flight and had to walk back to Sydney, thus the delay in review. I’m not even going to go into the organic donut withdrawals I’ve been dealing with. I promise this is the last you’ll hear of SITG until 2010.

Note: Traditionally the festival review is a team effort but with Carlsberg preparing for the ultimate festival experience (“the honeymoonpalooza”), Ambascamba going on adult getaways to QLD (it’s all about balance kids), Gemdilem residing in Victoria (and classifying anything north of Maitland hard basket) and Mrs Pop not knowing there was a festival to attend… I was left.

Now without my fellow ladies I had no intention of going. SITG was dead to me. I know better than to go to these things without Carlsberg death stare to protect me. But then MAYBE back in April… somewhere in my state of bliss (courtesy of my 3rd pad thai and 5th pool cocktail of the day. thank you Thailand) the one we shall from hereon refer to as Feisty K may have twisted my arm and MAY have the contractual napkin to prove I agreed to attend SITG. Can’t argue with a napkin.

And so to Splendour I go…

Sydney to Splendour

Our avid readers will note flight schedules are not my forte. Interstate festival travel has been an issue in the past (hi there Meredith 2008), so I am very happy to have the other ladies texting me to ensure I am in a cab and en route. I am. Go Team!

Ballina – Home of the Big Prawn (nom nom nom) or is it?!

Now many people are attending “The Silent Alarms”. I don’t know who these newbies are but I sure as hell ain’t making a dash into Byron just to find out. Tea and catch ups with my friend Torble it is. See, I am capable of good behaviour.

Feisty K and Turbo Josh (my partners in crime for the weekend) informed me that Dananananakroyd were support that night. Spewing. Oh, and The Silent Alarms played Silent Alarm back-to-back. Tried to google them… they don’t even have a myspace. Pffftt.

Saturday – Splendour In The Grass – Day 1

I wake up refreshed and ready to hit those mud puddles hard. Now Feisty K is working so she has headed in nice and early. This leaves me to pick up Turbo Josh and head to the festival, ensuring he doesn’t die at any stage. This is his first splendour. CUTE.

So anyway I get a lift to Lennox…where I am set to reside for the remainder of the weekend. I meet the family. Organise my layers and begin mental preparation. I am responsible for another individual. One that is more concerning than all the festival ladies combined. Whose idea was this????

Lennox to Byron

Step onto bus and yes the Gold Coast contingent is arriving via the South. Do they make spray tan with glitter now?

Turbo Josh has 700ml of vodka. A pump water bottle. And a contact that will overlook these facts. Turbo Josh will not share distilled potato goodness so we set off to the bottle-o, and then head down a Byron Bay alleyway like the classy individuals that we are. Vodka is transferred from glass bottle into pump bottle. Taking notes kids? We are set.

Fellow festival goers

I now want to go to The Railway for hot chips and beer. This is all I want. Turbo Josh wants to go see Art vs Science. That’s great Turbo Josh, but I want hot chips. Never fight with a woman who has a craving.

Our death staring match gets interrupted by a call. It’s ex record label mogul big wig vip Mark C. He is in town hanging with his “friends” (read: bands) and recording his show. Mark C left the music biz to fulfill his lifelong dream of becoming a tv entertainment personality. He needs a way to get his camera into the festival so he can get some killer shots of Josh Pyke backstage. Turbo Josh says they should meet up to strategise.

I want hot chips.

Lucky for everyone we happen to be across the street from each other. We are met by Mark C himself and Hollywood hot shot Jai. He is the writer / producer / director  / big wig of the show. I really want hot chips is nobody following? Mark C asks Turbo Josh if he can put in a call to Feisty K. I tell them that won’t work. I want hot chips. Turbo Josh calls. It won’t work. They ponder. I want hot chips. I am not getting hot chips. If only Carlsberg was here. I make a call to my friend

No Pants who has acquired the golden festival ticket “the AAA“ (don’t ask how. I’m a good Polish girl. My mind does not wonder into that dirty dirty territory). No Pants says he can make the arrangements. No Pants reminds me that the camera can get confiscated. I remind Jai. Jai has read the small print on the ticket. He knows this. He apparently has the industry contacts aka “hook upzz” to get the camera back… but not to get it in. Riiiighht. I just want hot chips. And now a beer. This is too hard. Carlsberg where are you when I need you? I tell them to give us the camera and we will call them from inside the festival so they can meet No Pants. We also request EP (executive producer) credits. They pretend not to hear us. I bypass death staring because I need hot chips. Hot chips.

The Railway

I am eating hot chips and drinking beer. Life is good. The railway has the greatest hot chips. Turbo Josh agrees. Turbo Josh is a quick learner. Just say yes and you will make it through the weekend in one piece.

The Beach Hotel

We shift to The Beach Hotel where we are due to meet No Pants and pass on the goods. Turbo Josh turns ghostwhite. They are checking bags. The precious vodka!!! It’s on such a rare occasion that I pull out the 6 foot tall and blonde card. We’re not taking any chances. Not only do I get in without my bag being checked I get two stamps. Winner.

So it’s been 2 hours since we left Mark C and Jai and what do you know they are at The Beach Hotel. Part of the SITG experience is the pre/post festival pub crawl. Jai comes up and says they have a ride and don’t need us. EP credits under threat!!!! I declare I want to kill him. Turbo Josh declares we need a ride (walking in gumboots = not fun… Turbo Josh is not Festival Lady-hardcore yet) The guys say yes. Request for EP credits is still being ignored. Turns out we’re catching a ride with Darren (or Daryl amoungst his close friends) from Kisschasy and co.

The Festival

We finally get to the festival…this is after 30 minutes of being stuck in the van between Jai who thinks Poland sux (we know that’s a great conversation starter) and some dude who’s tapped Paris Hilton / has a fashion empire. (When I got back to Sydney I a/ got tested. Making sure I haven’t caught anything just from sitting in the same space as him b/ googled said empire. Apparently screen printing tshirts = empire. Carlsberg take note.) Mr Smirnoff goes off with one of our friends and we are to be later reunited in the VIP area. Delicious.

Now it’s roughly 2:15pm. Looking round we have missed out on:

• drinking ourselves into oblivion over breakfest
• od-ing on an assortment of fantastical things that have now resulted in being shoe-less and smelling like last nights kebab and then some
• Manchester Orchestra (Laneway Favourites from 2007. Sad face.)
• Art vs Science. Too early in the morning for flippers and French.
• Yves Klein Blue (was looking forward to a mid day skank off)
• Leader Cheetah
• making the decision to wear tall gladiator sandals. Never a good idea… let alone for splendour.

To the VIP Area. We walked in. Haven’t even hit the bar and we get stopped by the RSA Marshall. Foreshadowing?

3pm – Miami Horror

Turbo Josh and I meet up with Fiesty K at Miami Horror. I have this bad habit of having an opinion about a band without actually having heard them.

My boss and I spent a good chunk of last year arguing about this band. Naturally when I actually saw them I fell in love and now I am addicted. Spectacular set! Epic Dance offs… accidentally overspiking our drinks may have helped.

3:45pm – Little Red

Head over to Little Red who are ripping up the main stage. All the festival favourites make the set like “Cocoa Cola” and “Witchdoctor”. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again go see them!

VIP Land / Bluejuice

Head To VIP Land where I meet up with people. I have lost Turbo Josh. Whoops! We debate over Timmy Rogers and Bluejuice. Indecisive we get ambitious and do both. Bluejuice have the Mix Up Tent spilling to the max. Having always resisted their live shows… and well them in general and now find myself a fan. They play “Broken Leg” and people end up with broken legs. We head to check out Timmy.

Nice poncho Timmy.

Berlin Chair. Tear.

5:30pm

My phone is dead- Too much Twitter Time.

I have lost Turbo Josh. Never found No Pants. Steveski is probably pass out in a porterloo. Torble is MIA. Shambles. And worst of all it’s the dreaded programming void. Damn you Perry! I know you’re sunbathing over at Watergoes.

Vodka Time.

Void.

It’s somewhere between 5:30 and 9pm that Turbo Josh & I must have been reunited as I do recall us doing a little math. We had originally started with 700ml of vodka each. This was placed into a 700ml pump bottle. The two bottles were taken away for safe keeping. We were reunited with 2 smaller bottles. Logic would suggest that the small bottle contained roughly ½ the content of one of the pump bottles. This would in turn suggest we had 350ml for tomorrow. This proved to be Poleski logic.

It’s moments like these I wish Gemdilem was round. Turns out the “little bottle” was actually a 600ml plastic bottle. Meaning that Turbo Josh and I had worked away through 600ml of vodka each (lucky we like to share). This MAY explain the blurry details.

Photos also suggest that at some stage we made our way to the jager cube for dance offs… and Turbo Josh ended up behind the decks. See photo below. If anybody has any information on how we managed this awesomeness please let us know. Clarity would be much appreciated so we can high five each other some more.

Turbo Josh Djing

9pm – An assortment of Festival Good Times

Alive.

The Specials rock. Phil (Hi Phil!) from Grinspoon did a Jane’s cover with TLE. I’ve lost everybody. I have no phone still. Turbo Josh could be drowning in a mud puddle. smoking a dubbie with James Matheson. proposing to Mark C. All of the above. I decided to watch Bloc Party from side stage with Giles from YKB my new found drinking buddy. He is also tall. We annoy people together.

Turns out Turbo Josh is backstage (how? who fcking knows at this stage)

Turbo Josh to Yukek: Your show was amazing… it reminded me of Justice!

Yuksek: *looks disgusted / offended / about to bitach slap Turbo Josh*

Turbo Josh: *panic* BUT BETTER!

Yuksek: *walks away pleased. very pleased.*

Bloc party are amazing as always. Delivering all my favourites: “Banquet”, “Little Thoughts”, “I still Remember”. I venture out to VIP Land to make one final attempt at finding everyone. If I don’t… hilarious times getting back to Lennox for moi! Should have paid more attention to where it is I am actually staying.

Have located Feisty K and Turbo Josh. Have realized I survived on a diet of nachos, organic donuts and vodka. A govindas hit will balance out all my sins. Govindas is my sole focus. People are talking to me. I do not care. Govindas. Turbo Josh is in a hilarious state of shambles. Feisty K is regretting ever leaving us alone.

We get to Lennox but of course end up being dropped off passed our stop. I declare we are all going to die. Feisty K and I begin anaylsing how thrashed Turbo Josh is. Our conversation is brought to a halt as Turbo Josh declares:

“Guys shut up I’m trying to have a debate with my body”

Vomiting wins.

Fingers crossed for Day 2.

Turbo Josh passed out